Transplanar Contacts (Random Table/Any System)

Clerics and priests commune with their gods. Sorcerers and mages summon-up entities in order to gain access to deep secrets of forbidden knowledge. Sting gains enlightenment after a fashion via dancing around some designer candle-sticks. And that's just great. Just ducky. But ever since the early days when Contact Other Plane meant placing a really long-distance call to some unearthly power Out There, some of us have wondered about who or whom those beings scattered across the rest of the multiverse might call upon and if it might not sometimes fall to Player Characters to answer the call. Collect, in some cases. This table, then, seeks to facilitate a few more of those sorts of situations.
Realities are often smaller than they appear in the mirror. Please do not operate heavy machinery while rolling on this table. Results are non-binding and seek professional help if symptoms persist for more than twenty years.

Transplanar Contacts I

1. A tribe of wandering spindly abhumans congregated in a square formation four ranks deep are attempting to summon a Hero to their cause. They claim that they are being oppressed by a band of vulture-headed ogre-types that serve a wicked princess out to kill them for having run away from her personal garden. Do you want to get involved? Can you refuse?
2. A wizened old spider about as big as a castle wants to know the answer to a question that has been bothering it for close to a century now. 'Why do some species of mammals possess more than one set of nipples?' The Spider wants to know...
3. A fluctuating mass of brilliant orange phlegm wants to know how to get to the sacred precincts of ShfsofsfdsdggX*jdfosdgfg.
4. Three Hags have called upon you to relieve them of the terrible burden of their aeons-long ordeal of chastity...
5. (1d100) Twelve-legged blue ants the size of planets waft a foul greenish cloud of information-packed chemicals right at where your antennae ought to be...
6. A Shining Flying Purple Wolfhound Standing There: "Show Me Where You Are," It demands.
7. (1d12) Creepy old bug-faced wizards sitting on silk cushions all stare at you in disbelief. Since you persist, they spontaneously crumble into a fine green dust. The connection closes.
8. The way is open. Feel free to cross-over onto the deck of a sailing ship to nowhere. Literally. Anyone crossing-over is trapped on this ship for 5d20 years, during which time they do not age. However, upon leaving the ship, they can not hear any sound produced by a stringed instrument ever again.
9. A misty vista expands before you. Death-defying mutilated armies crawl out of dirty holes, one officer turns to look back at you and asks "What is it all for?"
10. The six surviving members of a secret demonic cabal have gathered to call upon you in order to learn how they might redeem themselves from chaos and evil. But beware, one of them is a traitor. Perhaps more than one of them. In fact they might all be traitors and no one has figured that out yet...
11. The color mauve wants to know how to gazpitzle a gruollumph, but not so that it yugilizes or gets frumdonkic.
12. Thirty thousand weasels in bronze armor want to know if they are going to survive the coming battle--
13. (2d4) flagellant monks are calling upon you by name to intercede in their time of woe...
14. A well-dressed Marmoset looks across a table set for a feast, farts, and asks for you to pass them the mustard, in French, of course.
15. A huge, glowing disembodied eyeball roughly the size of a house stares at you. It is luminous and unblinking.
16. A grove of trees silently and very slowly screams their demands at you. Well, aspirates is probably the better term for it, they don't really, literally have the means to 'scream,' of course that's probably covered by item four on their checklist.
17. Weeping and desolate, a dryad looks up from her despoiled bower and begs for your help.
18. A huge, glowing and disembodied head sonorously demands that you return its map, or at least help it locate its missing eye-ball. Either one would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
19. A murderous string of pearls wishes to enlist your guidance as to the best course of action in attempting to assassinate the Queen of T*******************.
20. Twin glass golems stare forlornly from their pristine chamber of mirrors. Save or be struck blind for 1d4 hours. They wish to know how they might acquire their own souls. Not anything recycled, and definitely not previously-owned, but new. Any thoughts?